I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑