I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time