she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
