I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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