Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug