True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night