Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO