So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
