Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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