dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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