How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
