I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
