ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I didn't notice because vodka
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
