it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room