I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"