i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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