Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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