My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN