I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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