sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sorry my hands just texted you
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
