i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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