3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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