Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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