Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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