"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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