Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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