I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
