I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
