what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
