pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?