I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill