pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away