its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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