Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
there's paper in my vomit.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
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I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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