There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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