had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
