Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
