He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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