You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
