My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
