I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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