I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
