Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
