who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize