I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
