I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's like iHOP with fire
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.