my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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