Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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