my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.