She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn