My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?