Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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