U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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