Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
