Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
