You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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