saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
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Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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