she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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